Thoughts on the Train Wreck Saga

Because I have a tendency to make bad decisions after taking an exam, I helped make Stephenie Meyer become $10 richer last night. I also went to Saks and bought boots that I don't need and then on to MAC because a girl cannot have too many lipsticks. Viva Glam!

Anyway... Breaking Dawn: Part 1... Thoughts, I have them. 

Thought #1: Why is everyone okay with Bella getting married at, what, 17, 18 years old? Seriously, why did no one address this? There was never a moment where someone suggested, hey, maybe you should go to college or get a job or experience something other than an unhealthy relationship with a guy who breaks into homes and watches girls sleep. Take a lesson from Buffy and get a life. 

Thought #2: So Edward and Jacob were afraid that sexy times with Edward would kill Bella... because Edward's vampire lovin' is so powerful? I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this one, but okay...

Thought #3: How can Edward--being a vampire and, hence, dead--have an erection if there isn't any blood circulating throughout his body? Because an erection occurs when the corpus cavernosum becomes engorged with blood. And I'm quite certain sex with a flaccid penis doesn't work out very well. Also, last I checked, when a man dies, his sperm dies with him because sperm are living cells. So if Edward can actually have an erection, he should be shooting blanks. But yet he can impregnate someone. Kelly Bensimon's gibberish makes more sense to me than this. Satchels of gold!

Thought #4: Where is Dakota Fanning? Wiki tells me that after the credits there's a scene featuring the Volturi. Yeah, I didn't stay for that. I'm actually kinda regretting it because I like me some Michael Sheen. We are destined to settle for one another. 

Thought #5: So Bella needs to replace the nutrients her vampire tumor/fetus/baby is sucking out of her. Hook her up with some TPN. Duh. Think, Carlisle. And having Bella drinking blood out of a styrofoam cup through a straw? Couldn't they have transfused her? Oh, wait, it's because Carlisle says that drinking blood will help it absorb into her system faster. Except that it doesn't. The difference between oral and IV is IV administration allows for greater bioavailability because it can bypass the first pass effect. Duh, again. And you call yourself a doctor, Carlisle... 

Thought #6: Rosalie cut through Bella's abdomen in an UNSTERILE FIELD. Way to kill her faster, Rosalie. 

Thought #7: Did Edward really have to eat his way through Bella's uterus in order to deliver the demon spawn? I mean, there were surgical instruments just a few feet away. As if the stretch marks made by your rapidly growing demon spawn weren't bad enough.

Thought #8: Naming the baby Renesmee? Seriously? Why didn't someone say something? Sure, there was some smirking and stifled giggles but friends don't let friends name their baby Renesmee. No one would call Barbara Ann Barbann because that's stupid. Stupid like the name you just came up with. 

Thought #9: Jacob "imprinting" on a baby? The vampire baby of the girl he's been pining over for the past three films? What kind of messed up Mormon child bride crap is that?

And finally...

Thought #10: Why was this film split into two parts? There is not enough plot to justify that. Jacob loves Bella. Bella loves Edward. Bella and Edward get married. Bella gets knocked up and foolishly extends the pro-life concept to include mutant monsters. It was like being at a never-ending Indian wedding. Let's get down to business and eat cake already. Speaking of which, throughout all the wedding scenes, I kept wondering what flavor the cake was. Red velvet, perhaps? Or maybe rum mocha? Or how about chocolate hazelnut?

Who's hungry for cake? 

Mac Daddy

During my anesthesiology elective I found out that every anesthesiologist and his dog had a Macbook, an iPad, and an iPhone 4S. That was also when I learned what "running rooms" really meant for the supervising anesthesiologist. It meant signing off the CRNA and then going back to the office to check ESPN to figure out which team you should pick for your fantasy football Survivor League.

(Answer: Picking the Green Bay Packers can win you $10,000. No shit.)

Of course, I am very impressionable. Who wouldn't look up to someone who wears pajama-like clothes to work and spends most of the day playing on his iPad? And so I decided that I need more Apple in my life. 

Last year I was in the market for a new laptop because every time I did a block of USMLEWorld questions my lap would get just a tad too toasty and that was no bueno. And for someone who cannot stand the sound of ticking clocks, the loud fan on my laptop was pushing me towards the edge of sanity. And even then I was all torn up inside on what operating system I should go with. The problem was that I was a little scared of Macs. Even though they were the standard at my grade school and I grew up on Macs, I've been a PC since I was 14 years old--that's a decade and then some. And it's hard to teach an old Cat new tricks. So I went with a PC because at that point, my wee little brain was at capacity and overwhelmed with basic science nonsense. Basic science nonsense, I might add, that has been very unhelpful when I'm being pimped on ICU rounds. TPN goal rate, say what? Apparently "Ask the dietician" is not the answer that the attending was looking for.

So I stayed a PC. And then just as my warranty was out, I became a PC who was constantly being terrorized by the Blue Screen of Death. And when the Blue Screen of Death struck as I was working on my case presentation for surgery, I just about died because OMFG! My beautiful slides on papillary serous carcinoma! 

And so after my oral surgery boards on Wednesday, I got a Macbook Pro. I figured if I can manage to keep myself from peeing in my pants while being grilled by two surgeons I've never met before, surely I can figure out how to work a Mac. And I did figure it out. And you know what the BEST part of having a Mac is? It's being able to type notes while using the USMLEWorld Qbank. You can't do that on a PC because you get locked out of every other program while you're in USMLEWorld on a PC.

I feel so empowered now.

Surgeons Say the Darndest Things

On a medical student with shaky hands in the OR...

Stop shaking like a whore in church.

On a male medical student saying, "Thanks for letting me watch," to a patient after a breast exam...

Just a matter of semantics, but you go home and you watch porn. In medicine, you observe patients. 

On being given breast cases...

I don't do breast cases! Stop sending me these breast cases! It's like dropping a giant dove turd on my head.

On Siri...

So if you listed me in your phone as "Cocksucker" and said into the phone, "Call Cocksucker," it would dial my number? 

On how to fix an iatrogenically perforated aorta...

First, I would go take a dump. 

On how to describe an abscess...

Why can't I say pussy? What's wrong with pussy? 

On one of the (black) scrub techs taking paternity leave...

I don't mean this as a racial comment, but if we wanted to, we could totally blackball you. 

On the difficulty of having to hold the laparascopic camera for hours on end...

Is it tougher than being unemployed? 

On getting a full education in surgery...

Do you feel cheated that I'm not yelling at you? Because you're paying to be here. I can yell at you... DAMNIT, CAT! ... That actually felt pretty good.

The Return of Cat

I have not died yet. The bronchitis did not kill me. The costochondritis did not kill me. The gastritis did not kill me. And with a little help from my friend levothyroxine, my TSH levels are back to normal. Even the USMLE did not do me in.

You are my bitch, USMLE! 

However, notice I said that I have not died yet. Key word being yet because this surgery rotation that's coming up might just be the death of me. Perhaps if I chant "Surgery is fun," three times in front of a mirror in the dark, it might just come true.

Oh wait... that's for summoning Bloody Mary.

Surgery is fun?

Hold me.

Who Moved My Yarn Stash?

I've been acutely aware of my mortality for years now. I got my first gray hair when I was 11 years old. 

In high school, my friends predicted I would become the crotchety old lady who whacks children in the shin with her cane as I yell, "Get off my lawn!" because I was (and still am) chronically annoyed. 

In college, I would consistently get back pain after organic chemistry lab because of all the standing I had to do as I waited for those damn reactions to run. This was also when I started using anti-aging products. I may be a crotchety old lady at heart but I didn't want to look it and prevention is key. 

Up until last summer, I lived in an apartment complex where three-quarters of the residents was made up of college students. I would hear them staggering in the hallway late at night, which would lead me to silently glare at them through my peephole. 

Soon after I had moved, I encountered a new type of nuisance: the noisy upstairs neighbor. So I did what any crotchety old person would do. I got the broom. And I tapped on the ceiling. Four times. I was officially the crabby old lady in apt. 511. 

But that wasn't the moment when I knew I had reached old lady-dom. That happened when I got a pill organizer, complete with the days of the week labeled in black print and in Braille (in case I ever go blind) and AM and PM compartments. I'm currently on four different prescription medications and taking one over-the-counter pill. Apparently, the average elderly American is on 4-5 prescription medications and 2 over-the-counter medications. Whoo! Polypharmacy! Fist bump, granny!

But there's more to my old lady ways than just my pill organizer. In the span of one month, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, contracted bronchitis, coughed so badly due to my bronchitis that my coughing turned into retching, which turned into vomiting (In case you ever wondered, asparagus is still recognizable as asparagus after it's been in the stomach for an hour.), and now I have what appears to be the signs of costochondritis. Oh, and did I mention that last summer I learned I was severely vitamin D deficient and had slightly microcytic anemia? I am deteriorating as we speak.

At least I still have control over my bowel movements. For now...

UPDATE 2 MAY 2011 I now have gastritis from all the aspirin I took for my costochondritis, which probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't had bronchitis. I might as well start looking into nursing homes.